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I had been in bad mood for several days. It’s difficult for me to explain why as it’s a long story to tell. My parents are both farmers in a small village and so, poor. my childhood was like a nightmare because my family was in heavy debt. i was so depressed that my mood was easily affected by financial problem, even till now, the condition seems better because i have cleared all the debts and is leading a steady life. if financial problem happens, my spirits is strengthened.
　　
　　After getting married since end of 2008, joe and me are leading a simple life. He spent lots of money on his new house and the wedding. He once asked me to clear the debts of the house together with him, which made me very uneasy. i am feed up with debts since i was a little child, and i will NOT clear debt any more. i only want to live a simple life, house and car are not important for me. to be honest, i am not interested in his new house at all. that’s the house of his parents, not mine !! why should i pay for it ? what if we divorce in the future ? should i regret for my stupidity then ? Isn’t it selfish to ask a new married wife to pay for your parents’ new house ? moreover, i didn’t live in the house, it’s in another province, which is very far away from my working city. I don’t care if i have to rent a room and living there for the rest of life.
　　
　　It’s very difficult for Joe to open month and say sorry to me. we bought a fridge last month, it happened one time i turned off all the power and all the food in the fridge smelled a day later, we had to throw them away. after that i told Joe very seriously – Don’t turn off the power of the fridge ! however, tonight, when i opened the door of the house a very bad smell came out of the door, rushed into my nose and i, angrily found the food in the fridge was odorous AGAIN !! of course it was the good job that Joe did ! i picked up the phone and shouted at him : Didn’t i warned you before remember not to turn off the power of the fridge ?! to my surprise, he was even more angry at me ! he shouted back at me and hung up the phone right after that ! i was left astonished and then, fell into great sadness.
　　
　　Is it really difficult for someone to say sorry ? he said are you sure it’s my mistake ? he meant it might be I who had turned off the power of the fridge, but god i remember very well i didn’t do that ! people will not make the same mistake twice do we ? even if it WAS my mistake can’t you just be tender ? you know you are speaking with your WIFE ! bearing this in mind don’t you think you should take good care of her instead of shouting back ? nobody want’s to face such a mess don’t you know ? when you turn off the phone you can return to your business but you left me facing all the mess alone !!
　　
　　Yes i am not as selfish as you. i cleaned the fridge again and threw all the smelly food into the rubbish bin, then wash all the dishes and boxes. as a good wife, i prepared dinner like normal, give you a call said dinner was well served please come home for dinner. then we eat silently. some minutes later you said at the time i called you you were disputing with a customer, so you were in a bad mood, too. i don’t know whether it was a apology and i don’t care. i said heavily: you are NOT a man, men never hang up the phone before women did ! Why can’t you just be patient ? when i am angry can’t you just be silent ? when i shout at you can’t you be a listener ?
　　
　　I begin to think, what’s the real purpose of marriage, i always think a marriage means a lot, it means we are safe, we have a true lover, he is like a father, a brother and a friend. you know it was my 23rd birthday yesterday. i didn’t receive any call from my parents, neither from my brother. it seemed i was lost in the world without anybody caring about me. i even became to beleive if one day i died nobody will know about this before i was discovered by the policemen.
　　
　　When someone who is desperate for a realationship she hopes the one could be a warm person, it’s someone who can break the ice and warm up her body and spirit. however, your atitude are like a cold and heavy rain, pour directly from my head, my body is wet and cold, so is my heart.
　　
　　When i am typing these helpless words, he might be sitting before the TV set smocking chicly, thinking it’s a matter of time for me to forgive him. after all we are a family now. there must be some daily complain and dissatisfaction from time to time, but the sunshine is sure to cover the cloud, sooner or later.
　　
　　Maybe i should cry, like i always did before, i assure myself that i WON’T. i am no longer a small girl, i should learn to clean my own tears and adjust my attitude to daily life. i should be strong. so strong that when some day the right man leave me without uttering a word, i will be stand still instead of pouring tears. it is right because nobody cares about me that i need to be even stronger.
　　
　　God help me.